Tokyo’s Kajimoto Laboratory researchers at The University of Electro-Communications are developing an Internet kissing machine. They want to be able to get into their girls’ throats long distance. I cannot tell you how many jokes have just flooded my mind from that single thought, but I’ll try to refrain long enough to explain the idea.
The way the Internet kissing machine works is that each of you have a box, about the size of a canister of tea. On one side is a straw sticking out and bent 45 degrees. You put the straw in your mouth, holding the box like a drink, and move the straw with your tongue. The pressure and rotation are transmitted to the other box, where the straw moves in tandem. See it in action here: Internet Kissing Machine.
Now, you might be thinking that these guys have to be the biggest losers on the planet. But stop and think about what the world might look like if this actually caught on. If people adapted to this kind of kissing and got turned on by it, a real, face-to-face kiss would leave them empty. People would have to carry straws around with them so they could kiss their boyfriends.. Touching each others tongues inside your mouths would feel disgusting, unhygienic, even morally filthy, eventually.
My first impression from the video was that this is a lame waste of university money. Then I saw they had more in mind than a moving straw in the throat. Nobuhiro Takahashi, who is a graduate student and researcher involved in the project explained, “The elements of a kiss include the sense of taste, the manner of breathing and the moistness of the tongue, If we can re-create all of those, I think it will be a really powerful device.”
He even suggested a pop star could record their own kiss and make it available to fans. He may have something there. A Lady Gaga kiss would easily sell to middle-aged men who fantasize about the diva. The dangerous aspect is if the President’s computer were hacked and Michelle Obama’s recorded kiss sold on eBay. Could stealing the First Lady’s kiss then be classified as a breach in national security?
Taking the idea of recording a kiss further, two e-friends could use the device in an early stage of Internet dating. Either one could record the kiss and remember the experience whenever they wished. They could even use it as their own if they were not so good at manipulating the device.
Now imagine a couple where the man goes off to the Middle East on military duty. The woman can remember his kisses while he is away. But if the soldier were to pull one of these out in his tent at night he would never live it down from his fellow soldiers. The real upside to the invention is that if a husband or wife died, the surviving spouse could relive the kisses, just like listening to a recording of their voice. Although these things seem creepy to us now, they do reveal that there is a potential future for this weird, robot kissing machine.